The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (2024)

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) March 29, 2023

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I don’t have a favorite child but if you were to go by the photos on my phone it’s the dog.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 26, 2023

My 3-year-old has requested Cheerios in the mermaid bowl. We do not own a mermaid bowl, nor have we ever owned a mermaid bowl. I look forward to her reasonable response.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 29, 2023

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My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That's great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

— Annie Way (@Anniewritess) March 30, 2023

My 5yo was standing in front of the mirror wearing plastic heels and a purse. I told her she looked cute. She looked at me like she's better than me, "I'm rich." Okay then.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 27, 2023

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Got a call from my son’s preschool today. I had to go pick him up early because he *checks notes* gave himself a headache dancing too hard in music class.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 28, 2023

knowing full well my ten year old always scrapes cheese off his food and loves meat i treated him to a meat lovers pizza for lunch and he had the audacity to look me in the eyes and state he only likes cheese pizza now

im taking him apartment hunting later because he can’t stay

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 30, 2023

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

— meghan (@deloisivete) March 27, 2023

My 6yo said in a cute voice "hey mommy, do you know what this means?" Then he showed her his middle finger.

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) March 29, 2023

I'm not scared of my teen daughter's mood swings, but sometimes I do give her a piece of chocolate so she'll be nice to me.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) March 29, 2023

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Shout out to Kortne in my kids class for breaking my spellcheck.

— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) March 29, 2023

overheard 13 bragging to his friend that he's an adult now and he can download and do whatever he wants on his phone and his parents can't do anything about it. So i went on my phone into our family app and locked him out of his cell phone. try me again bruh.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 29, 2023

I knew my daughter was an empath when she told me she wanted to save her teeth that had fallen out to give to old people

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 28, 2023

7yo: “What's a baby shower?"
Me: "It's when you shower a baby with gifts."
7: (beat) "You throw gifts at the baby?"

— nika (@nikalamity) March 28, 2023

My 12yo pointed out that if someone at the North Pole put down a slice of bread at the same time someone at the South Pole put down a slice of bread, the Earth would be a sandwich, and I honestly don't get why our government hasn't funded a dual expedition to make this happen.

— Michael Vogel (@MichaelVogel1) March 28, 2023

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Being a parent involves washing everyone else’s sheets, making everyone else’s beds, then passing out on your bare mattress with a goldfish cracker stuck to your forehead

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 27, 2023

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 27, 2023

Me: “Good night, sleep well, I love you.”
…
7: “Did you know all the days of the week end in the word ‘day’?”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) March 29, 2023

Have kids so you can argue about things like whether or not it is actually raining.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 26, 2023

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

— Tada (@krystaunclear) March 26, 2023

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My 13yo started with “bro,” which turned into “bruh,” which has now morphed into “bruv,” thereby completing her transition into a chimney sweep.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 29, 2023

3yo: 🎵 You're my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You're my best friend too.

3yo: No. I'm singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

— MommyingHard (@MommyingHard) March 31, 2023

I’m not saying I’m a superstar WWE wrestler, I’m just saying I’ve pinned my kid down to put a diaper on them.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) March 29, 2023

Toddlers mark their territory by sneezing all over you and everything you own

— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) March 29, 2023