Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Although Twitter has rebranded to X, the humor lives on.
Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on the social media platform to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents for more!
Just messaged a new mom at school about her son colon instead of Colin so we’ll be homeschooling now.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 23, 2023
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My 4-year-old doesn’t have school on Mondays and she has been talking nonstop for 5 hours, and that’s why I didn’t even notice that the song she was singing for 15 minutes while we browsed Home Goods contained only the lyrics “If you get run over in the parking lot you will die”
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 23, 2023
— Meg Hunter-Kilmer (@MegHunterKilmer) October 24, 2023Preschool asked for a picture of each kid's mom.
This is the weirdest thing they could possibly have done with it. pic.twitter.com/7rpuvYvtMo
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The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) October 23, 2023
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 23, 2023
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— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 21, 2023[at Halloween store]
Me: Store security just stopped me.
Wife: WHY?
Me: They thought I was stealing a Sexy Dad costume.
Wife: [leaves]
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 26, 2023no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) October 24, 2023Picked my oldest up from school an hour early, unplanned, with McDonald’s, because the video game he wanted for his birthday next week dropped today and I spent all morning downloading it and I couldn’t wait.
He better put me in the *nicest* nursing home someday.
The expression ‘when one door closes, another opens’ is about the complete lack of privacy living with kids
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) October 23, 2023
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 23, 2023
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It should be illegal for your kids to change their Halloween character without giving you a 30 day notice
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 25, 2023
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 20, 2023my 9yo: isn’t it weird how co*ck has two meanings?
me:
9: yeah a rooster and… you know… um… like how you co*ck a gun.
me: *wipes sweat from brow*
Felt tiny breaths on my face and woke up to a toddler who screamed, “Play with me!” as soon as my eyes opened so checking off the visit to a haunted house on my Halloween list.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 25, 2023
The best part of childbirth is shoving a watermelon out of your junk and then being stuck in the hospital to sit and sleep on a collection of the world’s most uncomfortable surfaces.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 22, 2023
— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) October 20, 20237: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
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The other day when I was cooking dinner, I heard my toddler gleefully announce, "It's paper!" When I turned to look at him, he was drawing on a banana. And because it wasn't the wall, I let him continue.
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) October 26, 2023
Just watched The Parent Trap for the first time with my daughter and completely APPALLED that we are supposed to root for this awful couple who split up their twins and never told them about each other or visited the one who didn't live with them?? ABSOLUTE MANIACS
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 23, 2023
Our 2yo has started waking up every hour in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder and honestly I might also give it a try.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) October 23, 2023
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 21, 2023Is this all it is?
-kids on a hayride
I can’t stand parenting influencer videos about how you need to “put down your phone and play with your kid”. Well, then how am I supposed to watch your video??? How did you make the video????
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 23, 2023
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My 4yo is only 3 bites into her first breakfast muffin and she's already negotiating for the next two muffins.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) October 23, 2023
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